With age comes wisdom on everything, ESPECIALLY what it means to have a fulfilling sex life. Knowing what I know now as a grown sexually active woman, the best sex advice I never got growing up is surprisingly simple.
Here are 5 pieces of sex advice that I had to learn on my own:
1. There’s A “Body Type” For Everybody
Years of being sexually active have seriously taught me that there is a body for everybody. We’re constantly told (by the media, family members, movies, advertising, etc.) how our bodies should look inside and outside of the bedroom. We’re encouraged to go on ridiculous diets, decimate any and all body hair, hide our stretch marks, and fight the signs of aging like our lives depend on it.
Why do we do this? Often what we hate the most about our bodies is actually what someone else can’t get enough of!
To this day it still catches me off guard whenever a muscle-bound hottie hits on me even though I’m not (and will never be) a size four. I definitely believe I would have had more thrilling sexual encounters if I would have embraced this mindset sooner.
If body appreciation is challenging for you, try some of these practices for creating better body image.
2. Ditch The Labels & Dig In
As a heterosexual woman, I gravitated towards straight porn when I first discovered it. When I found myself feeling aroused by the women on screen as much as the men I didn’t know what to think at first.
With age I’ve grown to appreciate the fact that sexual attraction isn’t stagnant. Just because I occasionally like lesbian pornography doesn’t mean I should consider myself gay, bisexual, or not really straight… and maybe it’s best to refrain from labeling myself altogether!
*Although if labels help you to self identify your gender, sexual orientation, sexual expression, etc. OR if you are curious/questioning these aspects of yourself, you may discover new ways of communicating about yourself with your partner(s). Check out our LGBTQ Inclusive Language Glossary for some ideas on these continually expanding terms.
Exploring new sexual interests is positive and healthy. It’s not something to be afraid of or overly examined as long as it’s consensual, pleasurable & safe sex.
3. Embrace Dirty Talkin’ Divaness
Countless times in my life, I’ve wanted to scream out in pleasure during sex or say very naughty things to my partner but I held myself back out of fear.
I’d worry about neighbors hearing or fret over judgmental reactions from partners if I said something they thought was weird. Now I focus on what I find pleasurable more than restricting myself to please others.
When you’re in the heat of the moment, try to let yourself BE in that moment!
Rarely has someone been turned off by anything I’ve exclaimed in the bedroom. Feel free to express your unfiltered self and see what kind of sexy possibilities it opens up for you!
4. Adopt An Orgasm Honesty Policy
Sometimes you just can’t climax no matter how hard you try. Rather than faking an orgasm, it’s best to call it quits.
In the past, I’ve made myself forge on with uncomfortable prolonged sex because I didn’t want to hurt my partners’ feelings. Now instead of faking an orgasm or trying to keep going, I just appreciate how good sex feels and enjoy the connection with my partner.
It’s more of a “enjoy the journey of sex rather than the destination of orgasm” type philosophy.
Because let’s be real… faking and “enduring” during sex helps no one.
5. Remember One Size Does Not Fit All
The biggest sex advice I give (and try to remember myself) is to follow your own desires, needs, and curiosities. This kind of awareness and acceptance is a big part of becoming more sex positive.
Whatever works for one couple may not work for another. Maybe you’ve seen sex positions that look great and but didn’t quite work out when you tried them.
Couples toys can be helpful and can provide extra stimulation in positions where your body might need it. Mutual masturbation is also an exciting way to discover new ways of pleasuring yourself with a partner.
It could even be that something that worked with a previous partner isn’t doing it for your new partner. If there’s a problem area in your love life, focus on one desired change at a time and just keep exploring different solutions.
In reality practice doesn’t always make perfect, but with open communication, it can make your sex life a hell of a lot better in time!