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Setting Ground Rules For Your First Threesome

Setting Ground Rules For Your First Threesome

Most of us at some point have fantasized about the glamorous idea of a ménage a trois. Meeting that alluring stranger that both you and your partner just can’t say no to, then taking them home for a blissful night of passion. Sounds pretty good, right? If sex with one person is great, sex with two should be even better!

The more the merrier in the bedroom is an attainable fantasy, provided you lay some groundwork. If correctly prepared for, a threesome can be an amazing experience that enriches the emotional bond and the sex life that you and your partner share. However, if approached incorrectly an encounter that is supposed to bring to you closer together can create real and lasting problems in your relationship.

Think you and your partner are ready to take the plunge? Let’s take a look at some ground rules that will ensure your experience is a sexy success and not an emotionally charged disaster.

Being honest about motivations

Before you and your partner decided to go for a threesome it’s very important that you take some time to self-reflect and really feel out what your motivations for the threesome are. Many people jump into a new sexual encounter without really thinking about why they want to do it in the first place. Knowing your motivations can help guide you to the best decision on the subject and ensure that both you and your partner are prepared for what’s to come. Deciding to invite another person into your sex life can be exciting, but it can also bring up a lot of intense emotions. Make sure you and your partner have had adequate conversation about what this threesome means to you individually, as well as a couple.

Some important points to consider…

  • Are you and your partner both equally on board with the idea?
    • If one partner wants it more than the other it can cause feelings of resentment and distrust down the line. Make sure that this is something you both want. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Never enter into an encounter that you aren’t comfortable with just to please your partner. You will be doing everyone involved a disservice and it will likely cause lasting issues in your primary relationship.
  • Is your primary relationship strong enough to withstand adding another person?
    • Not all couples are meant to have a threesome, and that’s ok! If jealousy between you and your partner is a hot-button topic, this type of sexual play might not be for you. Those who have a relationship where there is open communication and low levels of jealousy will be best equipped to handle a threesome. You want to make sure that you can trust your partner, and that your motivations for adding in a third person is coming from a healthy place. If you and your partner have so much love and sexual energy to give that you want to share it with another you will be likely to have a positive experience. However, if the motivation for the threesome comes because one or both of you are unhappy in your primary relationship, this is a recipe for disaster. Using a threesome to “fix” your relationship will likely have the opposite effect.

The devil is in the details… or lack thereof

In the movies sex seems to happen out of nowhere. You see a dashing stranger across the room and give a flirtatious smile. Suddenly we flash to the next scene and… Boom! You’re having crazy passionate sex. In real life, it’s rarely so simple, and when adding a third person to the mix, it’s even more complicated. Discuss some of the particulars with your partner prior to the actual act to ensure that you are on the same page. You want to talk these things through BEFORE you attempt a threesome! This way, both of you know what is and isn’t okay. How will you know when you’ve crossed a line if a line was never established to begin with?

Some important things to consider….

  • Who will this person be? Male, female? Someone you know, someone you find online, someone you pick up in a bar?
  • Where will the act take place? Your own home, the home of the third party, a hotel?
  • What kind of sexual contact is okay? What is off limits? Will you or your partner engage in oral, anal, vaginal sex with the third party? What kind of boundaries are you and your partner comfortable with?
  • Communication with the third party after the act. Is this a one and done situation where you will never see the person again. If you choose to have an ongoing relationship with them, what kind of communication is okay? Texting, calls, meeting up? Are you comfortable having your partner maintain an ongoing relationship with this person? What does that look like for both of you?

Safe sex is always best

Another issue of paramount importance any time you are engaging in sexual activity with a new partner is safe sex. Though sometimes this is a really tough conversation to have, the consequences of not doing so can be devastating. Who wants to have an amazing night where you live out the fantasy of a threesome only to find you and your partner have been exposed to an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. Talk about a boner killer!

Some things to discuss…

  • Has the third party been tested recently, if so can they provide proof to you?
  • Do you trust the third party enough to know that they are being honest with you? Are you comfortable being honest with them about your sexual health?
  • Will you use condoms, dental dams, or other precautions to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases?
  • What is your birth control method? What is the birth control method of the third party?

Reconnecting with your main squeeze

After a threesome, it’s important that you and your partner take some time to reconnect with each other emotionally. Immediately after the threesome is NOT a good time. This is best done sometime during the following week so that you’ve had time to reflect on how you feel. This conversation opens up communication between you and your partner and gives you the chance to express any emotions or challenges you experienced. Sitting down with your partner to regroup will allow you to strengthen your emotional bond. Be honest with your partner and really listen to how they feel. Doing this allows you to maintain a healthy relationship and ensure that the fun experience you have just taken part in doesn’t foster any resentments that can harm your relationship down the road.
Some things to talk about…

  • Are there some things that made you uncomfortable?
  • Are there some things you really enjoyed?
  • Anything you would want to do different next time? Will there be a next time?

Though it may seem like a lot of effort to lay the groundwork for a threesome, it is well worth it! Have the conversation with your partner so that you can get busy and feel confident that you have taken steps to protect your emotional wellbeing, health and your relationship.

Be true to yourself, be honest with your partner, and most of all have fun!

Kendall Lambrecht

Erotic enthusiast. Future clinical sexologist. Culinary mastermind. Making the world a more beautiful, sexy, delicious place to be!

Follow her on
Instagram: @kendalllambrecht
Facebook: facebook.com/kendall.lambrecht

Kendall Lambrecht

Erotic enthusiast. Future clinical sexologist. Culinary mastermind. Making the world a more beautiful, sexy, delicious place to be!

Follow her on
Instagram: @kendalllambrecht
Facebook: facebook.com/kendall.lambrecht

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